the cost of discipleship

i don't know why i do some of the things i do. for years my insecurities about myself have been the thought at the forefront of my mind (de mi mente). in the past week i have done things that make me more uncomfortable than many can possibly imagine. it may not mean much to anyone else, but for me it took more strength and courage than walking up to a pack of buffalo grazing the swamps of the everglades and offering them a slab of meat for for dinner. some of my choices confused and in a slight way bothered some of my closer friends. while the other decision makes me ask myself, "what the frick were you thinking!"

the first was going to the beach and taking off my shirt. i know how absurd that sounds, but remember, my insecurities go deeper than you could imagine. now, why would i go years without taking off my shirt in front of people; years of going to the beach and pool and wearing my tshirt; but then suddenly taking it off at south beach, of all places, where the hard bodied, rippling six packs were so prevalent one would imagine there was a kiosk nearby handing them out for 2 cents a pop? it was pride, as odd as that sounds. the thought of being seen as insecure, for the first time in years, held more power than my actual insecurity. is that a success? a failure? is pride the kryptonite of my insecurity? i don't think so, but it won me over that day.

and this morning i wake up to caleb reminding me of my promise to go running. why did i make that promise! i know exactly why. i told caleb my reasons. 1) south beach and all those abs, 2) a friend in gainesville. what? a friend in gainesville? i haven't talked much about it to many people, but i can't stop thinking about her and poor caleb hasn't stopped hearing about her. but back on subject, i went running. or, rather, i should say, i went speed hopping with a nice throw up intermission followed by a lame walk of shame home.

why did i do these things? what about caleb made me feel the need to expose my harshest insecurities? perhaps i am realizing that if you want someone to open up and be real with you, to feel comfortable enough with their own insecurities and shortcomings, you need to set an example. there is the risk of being seen as weak. incapable. and a overall embarrassment. but i at least know that my heart is in finding out who i am and who the people are around me. and when i do then we can begin that journey of becoming more like christ despite our shame, insecurities, pride, pale orca-like belly at the beach or vomitous intermissions in life.