Location: Tallahassee - Miami, Florida, United States

Just a guy who loves coffee and shares coffee.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

the cost of discipleship

i don't know why i do some of the things i do. for years my insecurities about myself have been the thought at the forefront of my mind (de mi mente). in the past week i have done things that make me more uncomfortable than many can possibly imagine. it may not mean much to anyone else, but for me it took more strength and courage than walking up to a pack of buffalo grazing the swamps of the everglades and offering them a slab of meat for for dinner. some of my choices confused and in a slight way bothered some of my closer friends. while the other decision makes me ask myself, "what the frick were you thinking!"

the first was going to the beach and taking off my shirt. i know how absurd that sounds, but remember, my insecurities go deeper than you could imagine. now, why would i go years without taking off my shirt in front of people; years of going to the beach and pool and wearing my tshirt; but then suddenly taking it off at south beach, of all places, where the hard bodied, rippling six packs were so prevalent one would imagine there was a kiosk nearby handing them out for 2 cents a pop? it was pride, as odd as that sounds. the thought of being seen as insecure, for the first time in years, held more power than my actual insecurity. is that a success? a failure? is pride the kryptonite of my insecurity? i don't think so, but it won me over that day.

and this morning i wake up to caleb reminding me of my promise to go running. why did i make that promise! i know exactly why. i told caleb my reasons. 1) south beach and all those abs, 2) a friend in gainesville. what? a friend in gainesville? i haven't talked much about it to many people, but i can't stop thinking about her and poor caleb hasn't stopped hearing about her. but back on subject, i went running. or, rather, i should say, i went speed hopping with a nice throw up intermission followed by a lame walk of shame home.

why did i do these things? what about caleb made me feel the need to expose my harshest insecurities? perhaps i am realizing that if you want someone to open up and be real with you, to feel comfortable enough with their own insecurities and shortcomings, you need to set an example. there is the risk of being seen as weak. incapable. and a overall embarrassment. but i at least know that my heart is in finding out who i am and who the people are around me. and when i do then we can begin that journey of becoming more like christ despite our shame, insecurities, pride, pale orca-like belly at the beach or vomitous intermissions in life.


Blogger Cat Dunlap said...

funny you should mention pride. because it is pride that i have been dealing with lately. that selfish, arrogant, voice in my head that says i know everything, i don't need anyone's help, and screw you if you don't agree with me. pretty nasty huh? and yet, as one of my good friends pointed out to me tuesday night at bible study...(i'm going to have to talk to you about that, and you're going to have to be honest and open with me about my role in that...but we'll talk later, just make some time.) anyway...i'm writing this paper and asking my friends what my "big sin" is...and asked them to choose from the seven deadly sins. at first they were, like, "i don't're not really any of them..." i did get an interesting response from my friend Nik, who said: "oh! you have a lot of're greedy!" which is silly because they are mostly old shoes that are falling apart and i haven't been shopping in ages. except for goodwill during spring break. and random books at the bookstore. (i bought the urban dictionary the other day). anyway...right...back to my point. one of my friends finally thought of something, and she approached me about it. it was pride. i had actually started noticing that in myself a bit lately; i would say something and see someone's facial reaction and feel horrible for making them make that face, but then i would just get frustrated with the situation, or with them, or myself, and keep on making prideful and crude comments! (are you following me?) i think it was C.S. Lewis who said that pride is a trouble that we all face. it is at the heart of every human. i don't know exactly how i can "combat" my pride, but to ask for help from God and to ask my friends to pray for me and make me more aware of it. if you don't know what i'm talking about, then maybe we can take tuesday night worship mtg. as an example. in retrospect, i was...haughty and rude and while there are some things that i could say to try and justify my behaviour i think that i really just didn't show Christ to any of you guys in the past couple of meetings. in short, i was a real jerk. Now, i really don't know what your meetings are really like, or what your entire vision for Watermark is. but please, i beg of you, take the time to explain it to me! if i don't get something, just feel free to tell me to shut up, or explain to me how and why this is going on and whatever...i would go on but i think i'm just going to leave it at that. i am sorry, michael--and everyone else if i've been jerky prideful person to you lately. please forgive me and kick me or just help me be more aware of when i am rude like that. ~cat~

on a happier note, i also wanted to thank you for going ahead with Watermark. please let me know you want me to tell people about it when they ask. write me a script or something. (i'm j/k...just...something to go by...anyway...). the girls and i are ever so thankful for Watermark--the community not just the coffee. it's given us a chance to share our faith with people who are normally afraid of going to church, for whatever bad past experience(s) they might have had. i really feel like a family at Watermark, and while I hate that i can't do everything...i have been working A LOT lately, (i played piano for like four hours today!!!!) i know that i can count on you guys to be there for us when we need you. granted we can't wait for the coffee pub to open, we are very excited about that,'s the community of the church that we have fallen in love with, not the cortalito (is that how you spell it?). anyway...i shall see you soon. have a great day. ~cat~

1:20 AM  

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